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Wed Aug 24, 2011 2:04 pm by Team East


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 One Liners

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Team East



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PostSubject: One Liners   Sat Aug 20, 2011 4:22 pm

Every once in a while, I am going to post a few hilarious one liners here. Anyone is allowed to post more oneliners
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Team East



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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sat Aug 20, 2011 4:22 pm

Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."


a hilarious one in my opinion
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Team West



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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sat Aug 20, 2011 4:26 pm

haha.....that is one of the best ones.......great thread allen

thress
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Team East



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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Wed Aug 24, 2011 9:47 pm

ONE TIP: Leave the doors and windows of your house unlocked at night, burglars will assume you have nothing valuable and won't come in.


DEVELOPMENT: Phones get smarter and thinner while people get stupider and fatter.


KNOWLEDGE: Hamburgers contain no ham.


UNDERSTAND: When something says "Do Not Touch," it means don't touch the sign. You can touch whatever is near the sign though.


ADVISE: Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.



and a hilarious one

SIGNS THAT THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL: You have Asian parents. You got a B+.
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Team West



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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:17 pm

Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.


The PH level in your pool is a lot of P and not that much H.

Give out free hugs for $1.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but only if you throw it really, really hard.



You are what you eat. Eat skinny people.





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User1



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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:34 am

Prank call 911. They will love the humor since their jobs are so stressful.

All State is not in all states

Prank call 911. They will love the humor since their jobs are so stressful.

Awkward (adjective) - The silence that occurs when you accidentally spit on the person you're talking to.

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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:37 am

Sign that things aren't going very well: You finally got 100 on a test. It was the SATs.


Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.


Fact: Doing drugs is like a doing a harmonica solo. You feel really cool, but you really just look like an idiot.


For long-lasting lip color, use red nail polish in place of lip gloss.
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:41 am

Christopher Columbus is just a man who didn't ask for directions.

A computer without internet is like a person without a soul.

Time spent in the Apple Store is 1% buying Apple products, and 99% playing on the Apple products.

Get plenty of cardio. When zombies take over the world you're going to be doing a lot of running.
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:45 am

Awkward (adjective) - When everything is fine on December, 22, 2012.

To avoid oversleeping, simply place a set mouse trap on top of your snooze button.


Not to mention... (phrase) - I'm about to mention it.



Signs that indicate that things aren't going well: You just used the phrase, "I'll Yahoo it."


Joy (noun) - When you open to the exact page you wanted in your textbook on the first try.



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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:47 am

Eat several boxes of cereal. Tell people I'm a cereal killer.

When you get pulled over by a cop and he says, "papers," respond with "scissors." Not only will you clearly win, he will be impressed by your wit and sense of humor.

To attract females, bathe in Axe daily, girls love the pungent odor of puberty.


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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:58 am

Lol (abbreviation) - I have nothing else to say.


Sarcasm (noun) - The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.


Forget your mom's birthday. You wouldn't want to make her feel old, would you?


If you do everything right, no one will realize you did anything at all.

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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:09 pm

allen


ALL OF THESE ARE QUITE GOOD


Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.


Marriage is the number one cause for divorce.


More people would read the Bible if it were called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.


Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


If facebook ever shut down you would see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in peoples faces screaming "Do you like this?! DO YOU?!"
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:13 pm

Nisha

Dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.


FACT: The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false.


The days you don't have time to shower are the days you will run into everyone you know.



5 out of 4 people struggle with fractions.



If your parents never have kids, there is a good chance that you won't either.



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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:14 pm

Nisha



Pandas are Black, White AND Asian.



Friends are like snowflakes, if you pee on them they disappear.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Mon Nov 21, 2011 11:20 pm

Jisna

Smoking is the leading cause of statistics.


Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in the jeans.


Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking...


There are two types of teenagers in high school; those who are obsessed with acting like little kids again, and those who are obsessed with the process of making little kids.
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:39 am

felix

Without "me" its just "aweso."


Two wrongs don't make a right. However, two Wrights do make an airplane.

Rhinos are just fat unicorns. Maybe if we appreciated them more, they would reveal their mystical powers.

Anyone who says there's no such thing as a stupid question, has obviously never worked in customer service.


The only thing worse than diarrhea, is trying to have diarrhea quietly in a public restroom.


sorry if these aren't good guys Smile
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 25, 2011 8:50 pm

Allen

They call the candy "Fun Size" because "Smaller than Normal" sounds depressing.

Your neighbor's lawn service will always show up at 7 am on any day you're able to sleep in.

Everything is 10 times more annoying if you hate the person doing it.

During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

Men go through 3 stages: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 25, 2011 8:51 pm

Nisha

Girls have a higher risk of getting pregnant than boys.

Every book is a New York Times best seller.

You will always lose your phone when it's on silent.

Your bed will never be as comfy as it is on Monday morning when the alarm clock rings.
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Fri Nov 25, 2011 9:07 pm

Jisna

You should be doing your homework right now.

Your aim is 10 times worse when you are throwing something into the garbage can.

THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD GOES BACK TO NORMAL, when the caps lock is turned off.

When asked anything about a bruise, you will check to see that it's still there by poking it.

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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:02 pm

Jino

Humans are the only animals who celebrate the fact that they're one year closer to death.

Swedish Fish are manufactured in Canada.

Signs that things aren't going so well
You're more upset that you now have less ice cream than the fact that it just spilled all over your laptop.

Google (proper noun) - Where you go when you have TEACHERs that don't explain anything.
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:05 pm

Jisna

Become TEACHER. Make all multiple choice answers "A." Smirk to self as students double and triple check their answers in disbelief.

Tips For Success: Convince your TEACHER that doing homework is against your religion.

Wikipedia (website) - the website TEACHERs don't allow you to use because they're jealous that it didn't exist when they were your age.
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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:08 pm

Allen

Google is the only reason I passed school. I googled everything my TEACHERs tried to teach me.

No, but close (phrase) - What a TEACHER says when you're completely wrong, but doesn't want to make you feel bad.

Wikipedia (proper noun) - A website claimed to be unreliable by TEACHERs, but the only reason you got A+'s on all of your papers.


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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Sat Nov 26, 2011 12:10 pm

Jasmin

English TEACHERs put more thought into the book than the author does.

Stop turning in your homework, TEACHERs need breaks too.

Everything you learn after 5th grade is completely pointless, but your TEACHERs will try to convince you otherwise.

Give up homework for lent. TEACHERs can't fail you for religious reasons.

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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Mon Nov 28, 2011 9:48 pm

Jasmin

They call candy "Fun Size" because "Disappointing" doesn't fit on the packaging.

The moment you are comfortable enough to go to sleep is the same moment you have the urge to pee.

not well signs - A dieting company asks you to represent their product... for the "before" picture.

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PostSubject: Re: One Liners   Mon Nov 28, 2011 9:51 pm

Jasmin

Get a job with the U.S. Mint. Get paid to make money.

If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."

Success (noun) - When you finish an entire tube of chapstick without loosing it first.
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